Voldemort and Friends
by Alastar
Summary: Life isn't easy when you're Voldemort. Especially when your family is psychotic, your best friend Albus is SO much cooler than you, a freaky "girl" named Rose is throwing herself at you when you really like Minerva...


NOTE: I know this exact story has been done before by kalanichan (now coldfire-serenity) but thats my other penname. I'm putting it here and adding new chaps finally! Yay me!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~Co-Written by Shibarania~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Disclaimer: This is incredibly silly, so deal with it! (Plus, we do not own anything dealing with Harry or Voldie...) Also! THIS DOESN'T FOLLOW THE LINES OF THE HARRY POTTER SERIES! I don't want any reviews saying 'But...when he was a child Voldemort would have been known as Tom Riddle...' or, 'His mom wasn't named Voldemom!' or 'He went to Hogwarts, not Flowerbud Jr. High!'. This is silly!  
  
*~*~*Voldemort and Friends*~*~*  
  
Ladies and Gentlemen Voldemort & Friends. We're....ready....to....party! We're ready to party, we're ready I hope you bring lots of evil! (I'm scared!)  
  
Chorus: Come on in! Come to the place where fun never ends! Come on in. It's time to party with Voldemort and friends  
  
Dancing, fiesta, Oh Nagini Siesta, samba , labamba, I karumba!!! Disguises...surprises... and pies of....all sizes!!!!  
  
The following was made possible by the Lasangna Manufacteurs of Great Britain. If we were more entertaining we'd be on pay per view.  
  
****Episode One: Hot Date****  
  
"Voldemort V. Voldemort! Get down to breakfast right now! You don't want to miss the first day of school!"  
  
" "I'm almost ready!" Voldemort pulled the sweater his Aunt Julianna made him. It was purple with pink stripes.   
  
"VOLDEMORT!"   
  
"Coming, Voldemom!" Voldemort ran toward the stairs, and bumped right into his sister, Voldemarie.   
  
"Watch it, Dorkbreath!" she growled, pushing him aside.   
  
"Ow..." He sat down at the table, and Voldemom handed him a plate of bacon and eggs in the shape of a smily face. She pinched his face.   
  
"Aww..you're wearing the sweater Aunt Mary gave you!"   
  
"Aunt Julianna," he mumbled, rubbing his cheek.   
  
"DON'T BACK-SASS ME, YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE URCHIN!" She fell down in a chair and started crying into a hankie. "I spent 16 hours in the delievery room! I'm your mother...I could have just let you stay there when I dropped you down the well when you were six months...AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?!"   
  
"I TRIED TO KILL YOU SEVEN TIMES BEFORE YOU WERE FOUR!" Voldemarie screamed. She then threw her orange juice at the flowered wallpaper and ran upstairs. Voldemort grabbed his backpack.   
  
"She obviously has some emotional problems to work out, so I'm gonna leave for school now. She can catch up later."   
  
Voldemom kissed him on the forehead. "Don't forget your lunch, deeeeaaar!" She handed him the Mega Nuclear Man lunchtin. "Have a nice day!"   
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~At Flowerbud Jr. High~~~~~~~~  
  
Voldemort threw down his backpack and took a seat next to his best friend Albus.   
  
"Hey man," Albus said, doing their 'secret handshake', "Keepin it real?"   
  
"Awwwwwwww yeah!"   
  
Suddenly, the door opened and a girl walked in. Voldemort gasped. "Hey Minerva..." He smacked himself. "I mean...uh...ROARRRRRRRRRR! I HATE YOU!!! GO AWAY!!!!!!!! COOTIES!!!!!!!!!" *Wiggly fingers...*   
  
Minerva scoffed at him and flipped her long black hair. "Whatever, Voldeloser!" She made an L with her fingers. She walked off and joined the other cheerleaders.   
  
"You got it bad, Voldman." Albus shook his head. "Reeal bad."   
  
"What are you talking about?! I-I-SHUT UP! You dated that Pomfrey girl!"   
  
Albus put his face in his hands. "Voldemort, Voldemort...I didn't like her. You don't even get it! We went out for about a week, but when she got too close, I pushed her away! Its the way of life, man. The way of life."   
  
Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Thats stupid. Besides, I don't like...Minerva..." He sighed, watching Minerva giggling with the other cheerleaders, twirling her hair around her fingers and waving her pom-poms around.   
  
"You know..." Albus said, putting a hand on Voldemort's shoulder, "Girls only want what they can't have."   
  
Voldemort looked over at him. "Huh?"   
  
"Go out with another girl!" Albus said, "Minerva will be majorly jealous, and totally fall for you!"   
  
Now, at this moment, someone was eavesdropping on them. A certain someone who had a big crush on Voldemort. That certain someone...was Severus Snape.   
  
"I always knew this would come in handy!" He pulled a blonde wig out of his backpack and put it on. He also pulled his sisters pink dress over his head (Don't ask why he had it.) and high heels on his feet. He ran to the bathroom, and shoved toilet paper down his front.   
  
"Oh yeah," he said, "I'm so hot!"   
  
Walking back, guys peeked out of the classrooms, whistling. Saxophone music played softly. Severus walked into the classroom, and spun around.   
  
"Excuse me," 'she' said in a soft voice, "Don't you have band class?"   
  
The saxophone player ran off. Severus tapped Voldemort on the shoulder. "Hey there..."   
  
Voldemort's eyes got wide. "Well...hi yourself! Who are you...you new?"   
  
Severus nodded. "Uh huh. I just moved here from...Bolivia. I'm, uh...Rosie!" He giggled.   
  
Albus elbowed Voldemort in the stomach. "Sk-ay Er-hay ut-oay!"   
  
"Huh?"   
  
"Its pig latin, you idiot! Ask her out! She's fine!"   
  
Voldemort looked at the floor, shuffling his feet. "So..Rose..."   
  
"Rosie."   
  
"Oh! Yeah! Rosie...since you're new and all...want me to show you around Blue Meadows?" (A/N: Thats the name of the town)   
  
Severus/Rosie hugged him tight. "Pick me up at seven?"   
  
Voldemort smiled nervously, glancing over at Minerva. "Uh..sure."   
  
Severus squealed. "Yay!"  
  
*******************************************************  
  
Severus leaned his head on Voldemort's shoulder. "This is all so magical!" He sighed. "Where to next, honeybunch? I was thinking we could stop at The Bridal Shop? Babycakes?"   
  
Voldemort gulped. "Uh...whatever Rosie..."   
  
Severus giggled. "Nuh-uh! What did I tell you to call me."   
  
Voldemort mumbled something incoherent.   
  
"What?"   
  
"Shnugglebear."   
  
"Oooh! I love that!" Severus smiled, running his fingers through his fake hair. "So...to dinner?"   
  
"Uh...I was thinking we could skip dinner..." Voldemort said, "And maybe go to the...cheerleading practice?!"   
  
Severus pouted. "But...why?"   
  
Voldemort rubbed his hands together. "So I can see the look on Minerva's face when I come in there with yo-I mean, cuz I love you?"   
  
"Okey dokey!"  
  
At cheer practice, Minerva stared at them the whole time. She even hit her fellow cheerleader Molly when she did a cartwheel.   
  
*My evil plan is working...* Voldemort thought, *When Minerva begs to be my girlfriend, I drop Rosie and catch Minerva in my arms. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!*   
  
"Whats so funny?" Rosie smiled at him. Now that he saw her up close, Voldemort realized Rosie wasn't so pretty. She had very masculine features, and kind of needed to shave. He looked down.   
  
"Um..Rosie? Is that toilet paper in your dress?"   
  
Rosie grew nervous. "Uh..I keep it there for emergancies. Ya know, when you walk into a stall and theres no...oh, nevermind."   
  
She smiled, there faces coming closer. She kissed him. Voldemort pushed her away.   
  
"Rosie! We need to stop seeing each other! Its all a lie! I was using you to make Minerva jealous! I just...don't see this going anywhere."   
  
Severus ran off crying.   
  
Minerva walked up to Voldemort. "You were trying to make me jealous?"   
  
Voldemort nodded bashfully.   
  
"Did it work?"   
  
Minerva slapped him. "No! You are such a jerk!"   
  
Voldemort rubbed his cheek. It was getting alot of harsh treatment. "Ow...then why were you staring at me?"   
  
Minerva rolled her eyes. "Because you were going out with a man in a dress! Loser!" She stormed away.  
  
*************************************   
  
Severus ran into the alley, crying. He threw the wig on the ground and stepped on it. "Stupid wig! I wish I'd never seen you!"   
  
He sighed.   
  
"I never knew heartbreak could hurt this much..." He ran off.   
  
Harry Potter was just strolling down the alley for some odd reason, when he spotted the wig.   
  
"Hmm..."  
  
*************************************   
  
"Harry! You've been in the bathroom for an hour! Are you okay?!"   
  
"Fine, Mom."   
  
He turned sideways in front of the mirror, examining himself in the wig. He flipped the blonde hair. "Hello Draco..." he said in a sultry voice.   
  
*************************************  
  
THE END OF EPISODE ONE!!!!! Review!!!!!!!! 


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